love the exception

"remember when...?"

 it's a question that almost always comes up between two old friends. there's usually a funny memory behind it. there's a lot of laughing, usually at how stupid someone was. how silly we were, how naive. sometimes we remember something that we don't want to. something we've been running from for years. the secrets we keep, and sometimes keep for others, lie dormant until that moment.

"remember when...?"

 i used to practically live in the past. whenever i wasn't busy, i would jump in the deep end and swim around in those memories until i was too tired to swim anymore. i'd drag myself up on the shore of the present and collapse, too tired to care about the foliage around me. i'm one of those people who will think of a good retort months after the initial conversation. getting married helped me live in the moment, and having children FORCED me to. there are many things i have laid to rest since then. times i have had to look back and realize how wrong i was, how silly and stupid, and forgive myself. those are so much harder than forgiving other people, mainly because you're blind to your own fault or you're consumed by it. either way, it takes an act of God to get it done.

"remember when...?"

 as a Christian, i find myself so forgetful. i wanna hold on to all the good things i have seen and learned and experienced about God, but my human brain (and deceitful heart) usually don't help me. God is so patient with me, showing me again and again how to live, how to love, how to act. God knows my whole messed up silly life and forgives, and forgets. how not human of God. the least i can do it try to document what God has done, how far i've come. i've been lucky, sure, but more than that, i've been blessed and favored. some of these things i have now are through my sweat and tears and prayers into the darkness. some are through NO effort on my part. but all good things are from God. i'd like to think that the next time something happens to make me question or doubt, all God will have to say is
"remember when...?"

as David wrote,
I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord;
my life was an open wound that wouldn't heal.
When friends said, "everything will turn out all right,"
i didn't believe a word they said.
i remember God - and shake my head.
i bow my head - then wring my hands.
i'm awake all night - not a wink of sleep;
i can't even say what's bothering me.
i go over the days one by one,
i ponder the years gone by.
i strum my lute all through the night, wondering how to get my life together.

once again i'll go over what God has done,
lay out on the table the ancient wonders;
i'll ponder all the things you've accomplished,
and give a long, loving look at Your acts.

psalm 77