i do not have to stay here, i am going to move.

so i'm cheating on myspace by blogging here. the world is changing isn't it? after all, i'll be 27 in 5 days....my life is going by in a blink. i am at a huge crossroads in my spiritual life right now. 3 years ago this month i had my wakeup call from God and (surprise!) the Holy Spirit. 2 years ago this month i was devastated more than i've ever been before or since, and i never thought my heart would feel whole again. 1 year ago i was falling deeply in love with the man who is now my husband and a source of healing to my heart. and now here i am, married, living in nashville, working on some other dreams and hopes of mine, but God seems...fuzzy. out of focus sometimes. of course i can always feel the Shadow of His Love on the sidewalk and all around me, but it doesn't permeate me like it did constantly in march of 2006. sometimes i think He matters to me more, but that i spend less on Him. less money, less time, less thought, less talk. not having a church family is not helping really. brad and i have been to a different church almost every sunday since january. it's been interesting to say the least. we've been to tiny baptist churches where people will be til they die, and huge baptist and non-demominational churches in the heart of jesusland. all have been good, a couple have been great, and jesusland scares the heck out of me most of the time. i guess it's the non-conformist in me. which you'd never pick up on from my blogger, twitter, facebook,myspace, etc. hey i gotta stay in touch somehow. maybe that's the problem. maybe it's like what chad wrote about. our generational curse of never looking in a person's eyes, but at their webpage. never touching their hand, but writing on their wall. never talking directly, but "following" their status updates. we're just as good of friends with john mayer and britney spears as we are our college buddies we lived with and shared meals with. God gets lost in the mix, sometimes. we sing about Him, or we write about Him, but when is He gonna SHOW UP? He's probably not walking down main st. in franklin with nicole kidman. He's abiding in us, as gary morgan said today. you can bet that i'm looking to find myself in Him. here's to spring, and new fads that will hopefully become more than that. new blog, new season. outside and in.