raining in baltimore....er, nashville

it's been really hard for me to concentrate on what i'm supposed to be doing and listening to today. i really want to be able to write down everything i saw, heard, and felt this past weekend, but i always feel like it cheapens it somehow. let me just say that this weekend, going back to that place that's a lifetime away but two hours by car, was all sorts of healing for me. hearing my friends sing and knowing that i am welcome, that i was valuable in that place, that it was my destiny just as much as right now is, was wonderful. having brad there with me made it even more complete. having brad shake hands with adam and see them both smile at me, deepens the waves in my soul. coming back home was hard. feeling so useless in the professional world. in the ministy world. reading matthew 5 yesterday was both needed and hearbreaking. i have come so far since the summer of 2007, but i feel like i've regressed in ministry. there is only brad, and home, and work, and nothing else. church-hopping, friends sometimes, but nothing of the feelings i had that summer, or even the ALIVENESS i felt in mckenzie. even if it was regret sometimes.
the rain hits the window in the coffee shop...starbucks for a change...and i'm listening to ryan adams and getting ready to head home after i write this. i am writing until i'm satisfied. i am writing to satisfy my longing for someone else to read and maybe understand. even if it's just me reading it from an objective standpoint. i have been about creativity and freedom for years now, and i feel like i am stifiling myself in my everyday life. i don't sing anymore. i don't play the piano. i don't write songs. i don't (usually) dance. i clean and sling drinks all day. i come home and try to make my husband happy. this is the only thing i give to myself. this writing and listening to music in a crowded room. there is a hunger in me, wrote my friend kacie, that i do not know how to feed. i don't know what it eats. i am trying to find out how to feed myself. i am pretty sure what i'm hungry for. the Word, and worship, and dance, and music. music. music. i need music, to let me breathe, to let me bleed. so i shall not become emaciated anymore. as the rain feeds the ground and trees and plants, i will be fed and be healthy for spring, and my first summer in 5 years. God knows it's time for me to have a summer again. i'll make the most of it.