morning yearning

take the mercy, accept the help.
give your mourning yearning to God.

i feel like i've been clawing my way up to heaven instead of floating. sometimes i'm fighting my way back down to hell. but above all i do know that change is taking place. there are rivers of leaves in my parking lot and nature is getting ready to go to bed and i'm birthing baby hope and promise. my husband and i are welcoming pain and growth and heartache and stretching at the same time. we're ready for this.
my new pastor wears a crooked tie and holy jeans. he has a famous haircut. he doesn't know i exist. welcome to the emergent church of nashville, where there are more churches per square foot than in any other place in the world. this has the ability to scare me and question a lot of things. like, why the heck are we all HERE? but hey, we are. let's make it a party.
i've had fantasies of getting rid of my cell phone and installing a land line. i haven't had a land phone since 2004. but i guess it means i am longing for something more simple. it takes more effort to sit yourself down and dial a number and be tethered to the instrument that is letting you speak to your cousin, your friend, your mother. ah, i am daydreaming about my land line phone now. maybe one of those old rotary phones, or the lips phone. this is my yearning right now.
every morning i leave my apartment and walk by the balcony of the downstairs neighbors. they are an elderly couple with a collection of minnie mouses and frogs decorating their space. they also have a clock somewhere on that balcony. i hear it every morning and i almost pause and wonder where it's coming from every time. it's always ticking. and sometimes the couple sits out on the balcony and reads the paper, and sometimes they leave, but not often. their clock keeps ticking. it's simple. you know, like i wish my phone could be.
my beliefs are pretty much the same as they were when i was six, but man they have been stretched. that's good i guess. my dad paraphrases the old winston churchhill quote about being a young liberal and an old conservative. at least i think that's who he's quoting. the point is that i'm young and i have a pretty healthy heart (thanks to God repairing it and my husband preserving it) and my thoughts about things are constantly rearranging and changing and changing back. there is one issue in particular that i haven't resolved or landed anywhere about, and that's perfectly fine i think. it's not for me to judge. but through all this i am left wondering even more about God and the bible and how mysterious everything is. i happen to know that it is possible to find great comfort in great mysteries. so i am taking my mourning yearning, my discontent in this world and the way it beats me up every day, and turning it into my morning yearing, my desire to wake up and thank the One who got me through the night. it's that simple.