let me explain.
i was born and raised a southern baptist, as most people seem to be in the south, and i didn't depart my church until sometime in college. it was a gradual thing. even while working for baptists, i was going to church...well, nowhere. i did spend some time in charismatic/non-denominational churches during my high school and college years, but never went faithfully. all this time my little home church was losing its' appeal and relevance to me, being the open-minded music-major college girl i was. my senior year, i became the interim music director at the first united methodist church in smithville. i picked and directed the easter cantata. it was a bright moment. it was 2005. easter became my favorite holiday (outside of christmas). later that year i acceped a job as the deputy conductor for a college choir...a cumberland presbyterian college choir. this is where i would discover lent for myself, though a few years earlier my mom had researched lent and started observing it outside of church, becoming probably the only mom on the block who went everywhere with a big black smudge on her forehead during ash wednesday. at this small college in a very small town, i went to the ash wednesday service. i was lost. i was asleep. i was confused, floundering without my support system in that small town. i felt alone. when the chaplain put the ashes on my forehead........i woke up. that's the only way i have ever been able to describe it. it was as if i had been walking around in a fog, trying to lead myself to still waters and green pastures, and then God reached through and sat me on the grassy bank. there i was. in broad daylight, squinting. it was incredible. i prepared myself for easter by drinking only water (i ate normally) for the 40 days. it was symbolic to me of drinking the Living Water. and drink i did, like i had been walking the desert. in effect, i had been for more than a year. ever since the fall of 2004, i had been doing pretty much whatever i wanted, because i felt like what i was doing before didn't make a difference. surely my petty little life did nothing, said nothing, to anyone around me. i had been raised to know differently, but my head had disconnected from my heart, and as we all know the heart is hopelessly deceitful. so when chaplain hames touched my head, it reconnected somehow. for those next days i sought God out and soaked Him up like a sponge. i read the book captivating. i listened to great preachers online and in person. i prayed with and for my friends. we became our own support system. our own church. march 1, 2006, was a long time ago now, but i am still learning lessons from that season of my life. for the 2 remaining months i had in that place, i made the most of it. i can honestly say that i have no regrets. and that easter...oh man. it was alive because HE is alive. and He still is! i have gone through many changes but i still know with my head and my heart and my soul. i was in wal-mart today getting things to make easter baskets and i started getting this funny feeling. it was a CHRISTMAS kind of feeling. that's all i can say about it. only, a christmas where everything is coming alive outside and the wind is blowing with change and the sky is raining with promises and you can really be new. better than new years day. we always hear about how He died....i wanna hear more about Him coming back to life. because it's something i can identify with.
Jesus, here i am, your favorite one
what are You thinking, what are You feeling?
i have to know
i am after Your Heart
i'm after Your Heart
i'm after You
- misty edwards
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