reign of Love

i've had a horrible day off. i went to franklin and walked main street. i got iced coffee and perused and never saw nicole. i left and drove again, this time looking for something to buy and finding nothing worthwhile. i went to the dmv to fix something i should've fixed months ago, but for some reason didn't. i sat among people and people and people, and thought of myself. i felt half-asleep and sad, and it didn't rain but it felt like it. i came home and washed clothes i washed two days ago and had left in the washer. they had soured. i felt like those clothes. i've been sitting, waiting, getting sour. i don't get it. i gave money to people who need it. i read the Word. i even prayed about some things. calm down? that's the problem. i'm so slow.

i read of peter tonight. how he denied Christ. but before he denied Him, he fell asleep while Christ was praying in the garden. reminded me of last night, falling asleep while my husband prayed. i figure there have been times when i have denied Christ...maybe not by my words but at least by my actions. yet more often i feel i am guilty of falling asleep, losing my focus, paying attention to something else, when He is moving and speaking and only wants me to STAY ALERT. i feel like this has been my weakness for so long. i remember when i was fifteen, the first time i felt baptized by the Holy Spirit, and as i lay prostrate on the floor...i yawned. strange thing to do right then. but even then i recognized it as a warning of what i was susceptible to. don't discount small signs. if you do, they will get bigger.

i feel like i am repeating myself in every post. i am falling asleep, and waking up, and getting mad, and slipping down. i read the Word and i hear words spoken and it's almost like a fond memory. like something i once had but can never have again. and i know it's a LIE. the picture of life as a tapestry that God is weaving together still holds true. and the details in the fabric are the proof that i'm not just living, or even awake, but ALIVE and living the Lord's purposes. for every time i don't give up, for every Spirit-filled decision i make, for every time i pray, is a victory. i should not look at it as less.

i've had a wonderful day. any day in which Truth is learned, spoken, and shared, is never in vain. i know my name is
noble strength
consecrated to God.

"reign of love, i can't let go..."