i had never been in a courtroom before.
it was a tall box of a room, wooden with long spacious benches. the judge sat up front, listening and shuffling papers and taking her glasses off. the lawyers stood or sat or walked around, with their ties and suits and salt and pepper hair. and we, as a family, quietly came through the doors. it was like a funeral, julia had said. and i told joshua we were all there together for him, like it was his wedding day. the truth is, it was like both. the beginning of something, the end of something. the pain he lived with for so many years alone, was now felt in different ways among us all. the airing of dirty laundry in court. not joshua's, but his. the man sitting there accepting his fate with calm indifference. he does not deserve to be called a man.
joshua read his statement in court, saying in a few minutes what had taken 10 years to put into words. 10 years of secrets and lies and shame. 10 years of loneliness. 10 years ago he was 12. i remember when i was 12, i was still playing with dolls. one girl made fun of me, saying i was acting too young. i told her, you're acting too old. oh, what a different life i have had. for someone to have some of the same dna, the same blood, we are worlds apart. he is part of me, but i will never understand what he went through. no one will. and so he read the words to the court, and he sat alone. when it was over, the judge asked all of joshua's family and friends to stand. we were a powerful presence. and we were heard that day. we were heard. who could ask for better.
when she announced her verdict, 6 years of federal prison plus 35 years of supervisory probation, our reactions were audible. this was the best we could have hoped for. the absolute best. and we all rose as she calmly left the courthouse, walking through the door in her black robe. there are not many moments in life where you feel such gratitude. where you can see the hand of God move through a place, a situation, a family. you can actually reach out and touch Him. and you need never be afraid of His touch on you. you need never wonder if His intentions are good. you don't ever have to feel ashamed. alone.
i had never been in a courtroom before. i never want to be again. but what happened in that courtroom in memphis yesterday is something i will never forget. in that room for a few hours, things were almost perfect. as close as they get on this earth anyway. i heard my cousins speak and cry and receive help. i saw a man receive justice. i saw a mother and father begin to heal. i saw sisters celebrate silently. and i saw joshua stand taller than he ever has. this is not the end of their pain. this is the beginning of finding the reasons to feel good again.
i cannot write how i feel. i sit and feel the tears finally come. i can only tell you that there is nothing more powerful than beauty in a wicked world, and that i have seen it and i bear witness to the Love encircling us in the darkness. the end of a matter is better than it's beginning. right now we see as through a glass, dimly. we see in part and we know in part. but one day we will see clearly. i write this to show what part of God i've seen.
the name joshua means Jehovah is salvation, to deliver/be liberated, or to be victorious. and God's name is many things, but today for me it is JEHOVAH-TSIDKENU - the Lord our Righteousness.
i pray this for my family, that God would seep into your dreams, both while you are sleeping and while you're awake. and you would find what His name is to you. and even if we never have justice again here on earth, we had our day in court. we are blessed beyond words.
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