kyrie

last night, i had a headache. my headaches are not ordinary. in fact, they occur in about 0.1% of the population, and even then it's mostly to men. i have cluster headaches. these have been going on now for close to two years. slowly, i have learned the name, symptoms, and a few causes of this condition. but i have not found its cure. it has earned the nickname "the suicide headache" for obvious reasons. many a night i have sat awake in my bed, thinking, "maybe God can just take me now". i have begged and pleaded with Him. i have awoken my husband to lay his hand on my head and pray. of course that always brings peace, and many times physical relief. but still, i have a human body. it is prone to pain and weakness. after the headache is over, which can last anywhere from 30 minutes to - in last night's case, 7 hours - i feel as thought i have been beaten. it's only on one side of my face, usually the right side. the pain radiates behind my eye and goes down my entire jaw. it's painful to blink my right eye. i try to keep my eyes open as long as i can and stare at one fixed spot on the wall. kind of like when you've had too much to drink, only much worse. eventually the pain makes me sick at my stomach. i break into a sweat and become cold. i think i'm going to throw up. i never have during a cluster headache, thank God. sometimes i feel like my brain is being slowly cooked, like i will have brain damage when it's all over. i feel desperate, willing to do anything to get rid of the pain. i pray, and i worry, but i do not cry. i am in too much pain to cry. i can only sit up straight, slack-jawed, blinking at the wall. and when i finally fall asleep, i usually dream about having a headache. when i awoke this morning, i felt so tired. i felt like i had been through a war. i slid off my bed and picked up my lent devotional book. i read from george macdonald's essay "the Father's Hands".

 "am i in pain? is illness coming upon me to shut out the glad visions of a healthy brain, and bring me such as are troubled and untrue? take my spirit, Lord, and see that it has no more to bear than it can bear. am i going to die? Father, into your hands i commit my spirit. for it is Your business, not mine. You will know every shade of my suffering; You will care for me with Your perfect fatherhood. as a child i could bear great pain when my father was leaning over me, or had his arm about me: how much nearer my soul cannot Your hands come! - yes, with a comfort, Father of me, that i have never yet imagined; for how shall my imagination overtake Your swift heart? i care not for the pain, so long as my spirit is strong, and into Your hands i commit that spirit. if Your love, which is better than life, receive it, then surely Your tenderness will make it great."

so let it be in me.