i have been crying my eyes out to God tonight. well, at first i guess i was just crying to myself. but i finally got an ounce of wisdom and changed it to crying to God. i told him i feel like a failure. i've been so sad since i got pregnant and got sick. i cry all the time. i worry that my baby can feel that sadness, and that it will be sad too. i don't want my baby to come out sad. life is going to be sad enough at times, without it already carrying around that weight. speaking of weight, i think i have lost a bit. not sure because i never weight myself and i haven't been back to the doctor yet, but all of my shorts and jeans are sliding down my hips, instead of riding up on them. most of the time i don't want to eat at all. i eat breakfast and then i throw part of it up. at least i don't throw all of it up. i am sick all the time, and i feel so lonely. outside of brad, i usually don't see anyone for several days. i don't talk on the phone much at all, and texting is getting more and more rare. my communication with the outside world is the hours i spend on facebook and twitter. what a lousy substitute for human interaction. all of this sounds so petty. i was watching "the green mile" tonight and started crying when they showed the woman with the brain tumor. i felt like such a ungrateful !@#$. i won't write the word i thought. my unborn child could stumble across this blog someday. this only makes me feel worse, that i am making too big a deal over my sickness and depression. is it possible to have PREpartum depression? if so i am pretty sure i've got it. so i went outside and looked up, hoping to see a shooting star, which i would take as a sign that things would be alright. i never saw one. not once. so i started crying and telling God my fears. i cried all of this out to God, under the starry sky, and waited for an answer. and like every time where i open my ears, i heard His reply. He said, "do you remember the story of Abraham and Isaac? I want you to sacrifice your child and your future to Me. Not so your baby can die, but so you can trust Me more. You and your baby will never get anywhere good without Me. Remember years ago, when I told you that if you could see what I see of your life, that you would be so happy? That hasn't changed. Yes, you made choices, and you made mistakes, but I had already seen those then. It doesn't change the fact that I have redeemed it all. And I can still see everything, and you can trust me.This child will test you, yes, but she will challenge you and help you grow. This child will one day rise up and call you blessed. Now lie down in my arms and rest. and no, you have not see a shooting star, but you have seen the stars, haven't you?"
so i took comfort in the unchanging, unwavering stars, and came inside to write everything down. i don't want to wake up tomorrow, and forget.
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